What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
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