my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Randomize
