Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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