you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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