we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
