I will die if light touches me.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I need moral support for this bender
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Randomize
