My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
