my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
