The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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