Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Applied 4 a nanny job usin a Legit Site. Xplain to me how the couple I found offered me a 3some complete with 'sexy pics' of the wife blowin hubby. wtf?
obviously you're part succubus.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
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