I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
