I hate all girls vehemently.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
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