ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
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