I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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