Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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