I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
