So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
I fill condoms, not promises.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize
