I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
