pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
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