chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
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