is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
