I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Randomize