the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
