I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
