i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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