Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
tell your sister to shave her snatch
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
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