I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
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