If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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