I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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