Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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