I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
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