worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
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