Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Randomize
