I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Randomize
