he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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