I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Randomize
