I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
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