Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize
