I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
