Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
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