sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
