Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
