I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Randomize
