I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
