im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
