I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Randomize
