Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
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