I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Randomize
