You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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