TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Randomize
