PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
