I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
of course. lets lasso hookers.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
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