I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
You ruined the universe
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
