just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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