i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
