And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
