Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
as a side note pls kill me
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
